setting up directv remote control

I think I'm a pretty intelligent person, after all I have a bachelor's degree, master's degree, and doctoral degree. And 30+ years of experience as a professional psychologist, including 6 years as a college professor teaching graduate-level courses. How come programming Directv's remote control eludes me? Can Directv send someone to my house to set up the remote control for me? It's very frustrating to try and try and try -- reading instructions, watching videos of "how to", and nothing works.